Slowly but surely depression rares its ugly head

This has been a typical week for me which most people would consider a crazy week. I had a ton of running to do because we own a small business. Then on top of that I had a few days where I felt really sick. My house is suffering the most. There is tons of paperwork from our business. The bad part is we feel behind on taking care of it. I should say I feel behind because my husbands idea of taking care of the paperwork is to say I laid it on the table for you....We will not even go there!

Do you ever have so much to do that you just do not know where to start? That is the way I feel. I love the website Flylady and she talks about routines and clutter. She says you can't handle the clutter until you have your routines down pat. This is overwhelming to me because the clutter is closing in on me. I feel like I do not get anything done all day long but actually I am busy doing stuff all day....how does that happen? I have yet to sit down and make out a menu to go grocery shopping. The kids are scheduled to start back to homeschooling in a week and I am not ready. To be honest I know a lot of my problem is depression. There have been several days this week right in the middle of the week I have laid down for a nap then I can not go to sleep but when I do I do not want to get up. I could lay in the bed and sleep all day long...

So I am trying to make lifestyle changes to help me with this. We do not have health insurance so I am going to try to do it on my own. Keeping the blog is going to be therapeutic, I hope. Also I am trying my best to take care of myself by making healthy meal choices and I have even started to exercise. I am sure exercise will be my best bet to help but I am having to start out really slow. Several years back I broke my back and my pelvis in 3 places and my right hip burns when I do the simple walking exercises. It was the side with 2 breaks to the pelvis and I am in prayer that it will become easier as some of the weight comes off. Right now I am only able to do 15 minutes before it starts burning but that is better than nothing.

Well it seems I have done nothing but ramble and even if no one reads it I feel better.

Thank you Jesus!

wanting to be thin isn't enough

Well it is 6 months since my last post and I managed to get up to 307 lbs in that time frame!! I want to be thin but more than that I really do want to be healthy BUT it just isn't natural to me. For me it is more like an addiction to food but I guess I am like a functioning alcoholic because it doesn't always control my life....does this make sense? There are times that I want to stop eating and it is like I can not do it even though I know I shouldn't. I eat differently in front of people than I do in private but I have to admit most of that time is in my car. Every time I have been successful with "some" weight loss it has been because I vowed I wouldn't eat at the fast food restaurants. One time I went months which was awesome but once I feel off the wagon that was it. Sometimes I binge where I will eat and eat even when I am not hungry but the food tastes so good. There are several times I eat when I am not even hungry and even have cravings to eat when I am not hungry. I have stood in the other room at family gatherings while eating a piece of chicken I grabbed just so others will not know I am eating it. Then it comes...the guilt and the shame about what I have ate and how obese I am. Then I think of all things I would do if I was "thin"...it is like I am waiting to lose weight for my life to begin. I do not want this to be a battle for the rest of my life but sometimes I feel like it may. One day at a time and today was pretty good!!