wanting to be thin isn't enough

Well it is 6 months since my last post and I managed to get up to 307 lbs in that time frame!! I want to be thin but more than that I really do want to be healthy BUT it just isn't natural to me. For me it is more like an addiction to food but I guess I am like a functioning alcoholic because it doesn't always control my life....does this make sense? There are times that I want to stop eating and it is like I can not do it even though I know I shouldn't. I eat differently in front of people than I do in private but I have to admit most of that time is in my car. Every time I have been successful with "some" weight loss it has been because I vowed I wouldn't eat at the fast food restaurants. One time I went months which was awesome but once I feel off the wagon that was it. Sometimes I binge where I will eat and eat even when I am not hungry but the food tastes so good. There are several times I eat when I am not even hungry and even have cravings to eat when I am not hungry. I have stood in the other room at family gatherings while eating a piece of chicken I grabbed just so others will not know I am eating it. Then it comes...the guilt and the shame about what I have ate and how obese I am. Then I think of all things I would do if I was "thin"...it is like I am waiting to lose weight for my life to begin. I do not want this to be a battle for the rest of my life but sometimes I feel like it may. One day at a time and today was pretty good!!