Slowly but surely depression rares its ugly head

This has been a typical week for me which most people would consider a crazy week. I had a ton of running to do because we own a small business. Then on top of that I had a few days where I felt really sick. My house is suffering the most. There is tons of paperwork from our business. The bad part is we feel behind on taking care of it. I should say I feel behind because my husbands idea of taking care of the paperwork is to say I laid it on the table for you....We will not even go there!

Do you ever have so much to do that you just do not know where to start? That is the way I feel. I love the website Flylady and she talks about routines and clutter. She says you can't handle the clutter until you have your routines down pat. This is overwhelming to me because the clutter is closing in on me. I feel like I do not get anything done all day long but actually I am busy doing stuff all day....how does that happen? I have yet to sit down and make out a menu to go grocery shopping. The kids are scheduled to start back to homeschooling in a week and I am not ready. To be honest I know a lot of my problem is depression. There have been several days this week right in the middle of the week I have laid down for a nap then I can not go to sleep but when I do I do not want to get up. I could lay in the bed and sleep all day long...

So I am trying to make lifestyle changes to help me with this. We do not have health insurance so I am going to try to do it on my own. Keeping the blog is going to be therapeutic, I hope. Also I am trying my best to take care of myself by making healthy meal choices and I have even started to exercise. I am sure exercise will be my best bet to help but I am having to start out really slow. Several years back I broke my back and my pelvis in 3 places and my right hip burns when I do the simple walking exercises. It was the side with 2 breaks to the pelvis and I am in prayer that it will become easier as some of the weight comes off. Right now I am only able to do 15 minutes before it starts burning but that is better than nothing.

Well it seems I have done nothing but ramble and even if no one reads it I feel better.

Thank you Jesus!

wanting to be thin isn't enough

Well it is 6 months since my last post and I managed to get up to 307 lbs in that time frame!! I want to be thin but more than that I really do want to be healthy BUT it just isn't natural to me. For me it is more like an addiction to food but I guess I am like a functioning alcoholic because it doesn't always control my life....does this make sense? There are times that I want to stop eating and it is like I can not do it even though I know I shouldn't. I eat differently in front of people than I do in private but I have to admit most of that time is in my car. Every time I have been successful with "some" weight loss it has been because I vowed I wouldn't eat at the fast food restaurants. One time I went months which was awesome but once I feel off the wagon that was it. Sometimes I binge where I will eat and eat even when I am not hungry but the food tastes so good. There are several times I eat when I am not even hungry and even have cravings to eat when I am not hungry. I have stood in the other room at family gatherings while eating a piece of chicken I grabbed just so others will not know I am eating it. Then it comes...the guilt and the shame about what I have ate and how obese I am. Then I think of all things I would do if I was "thin"...it is like I am waiting to lose weight for my life to begin. I do not want this to be a battle for the rest of my life but sometimes I feel like it may. One day at a time and today was pretty good!!

Back up plan!!

I was doing so good today after my mishap with the scale. It had really motivated me to get busy around the house. I had done pretty good eating and had made a list of some healthy snacks to pick to help the kids and I between swimming and basketball practice. We go to head out the door early so we can go by the bank and go by Aldi's and realize my hubby has my car. It is so hard being a one vehicle family. So all our plans blow up. He misunderstood what time I needed him to be back. He thought I said I had to leave at the actual time that we had to be there. Needless to say we were standing on the sidewalk waiting on him when he got here.

The kids were all pumped because we were all going to swim after practice today today. Instead of letting them down I followed through with that part of our plan and that is what messed up the rest of my evening. We had to rush at the end of free swim to make it to the bank by 5:30 and then we hit the McDonald's drive thru on the way to the gym. I made good choices or at least the best I could but it was not what I had planned. At least I got some exercise in to cover that BAD food. While we there I swam 100 meters which for me felt like a lot. I would have pushed myself more but my son was wanting my attention because my daughter was busy practing what her coach had showed her before. While I was playing with him I did at least run in place and my legs felt like jello later in the night so that is a good thing.

I hope you all had a wonderful day!

If you feel like comment on my blog or share it with others. Also I would love more support on MFP for those of you fight the battle of the bulge.

Wake up call!!

Today I got on the scale. Now it was after I had breakfast and two cups of coffee but that didn't add to the scale what I saw. I have never been over 300 in fact I have always had a 10+ difference but not today. The scale said 301!! I know 290 is not that big of a difference but in my head it is. It is like something clicked at how important it is for me to get my health and house in order. I believe the two go hand in hand!

I have been doing flylady's morning routines and I have not been getting done until after lunch each day. Well things are going to change around my house. I decided instead of being proud of myself for doing it I was going to change things up. I set my timer and didn't stop until it was done. Now I have to say that flipped a switch for me that said "why has it been taking you so longer to do this each day?" So since I am finished with my morning routine I am actually going to get to do the mission for today.

I ate a good breakfast. I am starting late on drinking my water because I had two cups of coffee trying to find a new happy medium without all the flavored creamers. Let me just say I am not finding it...aarrgh!

Well I usually blog at night but this morning was such an eye opener I just had to get it out.

If you want to join me on MFP I would be thrilled!!

baby Steps

Whew what a day! I accidentally sleep in until 9:30. So much for my alone time with God before I get everyone else up. I'm so glad he forgives. He knows I am doing my best with these baby steps. He knows all about my big goals for 2012 and if I don't take baby steps and try to do it all at once I will fail. Thank you Lord for holding my hand!

So I have yet to do my meal planning plus unfortunately we have lots of foods that should probably be banned from most households in our house. So for breakfast I had grits! It was ok I finished under my calories. The thing I'm most proud of is my morning routine that I'm following while doing flylady. Although as I lay here from my bed exhausted I realize I didn't do my before bedtime routine...baby steps. I'll remember tommorow. It was an odd day as I got up, got dressed, made the bed and put on my tennis shoes to just stay around the house. Also I never realized how much you could get done working on something for just 15 minutes. Plus I have to admit that a lot of my problem is just starting things to begin with. So I don't feel guilty when I keep working for longer than 15 minutes when it is something I have been procrastinating about for days or even weeks.

The bad part is I didn't actually get any exercise in today but I stayed really busy. There was hardly anytime sucked up by the internet! It was a good day when some housework got done on top of all the company stuff.

My goal is to get my house on auto pilot by April when work picks up. It would be an added bonus if there was less of me to take to work each day.

New Year, New Me

This is still the diary of a wimpy fat chick BUT for me it is really going to be my online journal.  I hope to make more friends online this year and with the help of my fitness pal I am sure I am going to be able to do this.  It is hard to know that you have loving friends and family BUT there is noone who understands the pain and depression that goes with being overweight.  I started the new year in pain. My hips were killing me and from the holidays my house has spun out of control.  This all has depressed me greatly so where do I want to turn but food I can not turn to food I have got to take control of my house and my life.  So how do I do that?  That is like the million dollar question for me.  Let's make some new years resolutions like everyone else that way when I break them I will be just like everybody else. 

For years I have read Flylady's website and she constantly preaches about baby steps.  That is what this year is going to be for me.  By the end of the year I hope to have grown a lot (well actually shrunk) and be really proud of my new self.  So far today I did OK but at least I am being realistic.

I got up and was in horrible pain so I took so medicine and and laid back down until almost lunch time.  Then when I got up I used another of flylady's quotes that is something like you are not behind, just jump in.  I decided to do the missions she sends each day to help me get control of my house.  Todays mission was the weekly home blessing. I did it and it made me feel like I had accomplished something. I even listened to her walk me through it as I did it.  You can listen too if you like at:http://www.blogtalkradio.com/flylady-tools/2008/04/08/weekly-home-blessing-hour

I have not made my meal plan for the week because I started the new year off sick but I plan on working on that tomorrow.  I am good because I am having some multigran cheerios for breakfast.  Breakfast the most important meal is the harder meal for me to eat.  How about you?

Well I am really starting to ramble so I will talk at you all later!

Join me on MFP if you like!

The most dreaded time of year

In the next few weeks starts my hardest time of the year.  There is thanksgiving and three birthdays between Thanksgiving and New Years Day.  Have I told you how much I love to eat birthday cake.  My goal is just to maintain right now and make healthier choices. I hope you all do wonderful!

Wow it has been a year...

Last year I was going to change my life and WW's was going to help me do that.  I did good, really good BUT the economy hit and I could no longer afford it.  I was trying to do it by myself but I loved the convenience of tracking online and on my phone and without WW's I was not doing it. So maybe I could just blame technology on my weight issues....haha.  The truth is I need to be able to track and someone to be accountable to!

Fast forward through a year of hard times- repos, foreclosure notices, bad check fees, asking everyone you know to help with your bills.... It was ugly and some days I would not eat at all until night then I would over eat. Then if we had food in the house I would just constantly graze.  The results of all this is I have gained almost all of my weight back and most of it is belly fat. 

One day while browsing facebook my friend posted a picture where she had lost a ton of weight and I asked her which diet she was following.  She told me about a website called my fitness pal.  It is a free website and guess what you can track your food on it plus you can even track your food from your phone on it.  The fruits and veggies are not free like in WW's but if I go over my points because of some fruits or veggies I don't care because I do not believe anyone has ever became morbidly obese from eating them. If you or someone you know is looking for a FREE alternative to Weight Watchers I would definitely check out my fitness pal today.  You can invite your friends to do it with you, there is a very supportive forum and you can  remain anonymous! It is all up to you...

I will posting more because I have got to step and be a good example to my small kids.  Look forward to hearing from you!

Emotional eating

This is a huge problem for me.  My daughter has been sick and my house is out of whack and all this depresses me, so what do I do?  I look around to see what I can eat even though I am not hungry.  It doesn't matter if it is chocolate or just a banana sandwich with mayo.  The only thing I can say is that I have tracked what I am eating and wrote down all the points.  Even with writing down everything from my banana sandwich - 3 pts to my swig of. chocolate syrup right out of the squirt bottle - 2 pts I still have 6.5 of my weekly points allowances left.  Since I am tracking everything I can also see that I am not eating the servings suggested in the general health guidelines. This is what I did before weight watchers. It is not that I ate a whole lot it was what I ate and when I ate it.

Therefore I have got to make my goal each day to get in all my servings of fruits and vegetables. Doing this will provide the weight loss I so desperately want and need. Also I know it will help curb those hunger pains for all that stuff that I crave. How do I know this? Because in the previous weeks this is what I did and it worked. Yes, Weight Watchers works if you follow the plan and stay within your points BUT I know from experience it will work much better if I get the servings suggested in the general health guidelines.

So far this week I have not been able to make it to a meeting to weigh in. Hopefully here in the next few days I can at least make it to a weigh in even if I don't stay for the meeting. I'm pretty sure the scale will not have moved but that will motivate me this next week a try to stay on plan eating all the right foods.

How is your week going?

Recipe Revolution

Since I have been dieting this time I have figured out why I always balloon back up after losing a little weight.  Apparently I get comfortable and then I start making the same meals we used to eat because they are easy and we like them.  This time around I have decided that I am going to come up with new favorites for my family.  Plus I may try to see if I can come up with some healthy versions to some of our old recipes.  Honestly, I have to admit there are a few that I am pretty sure I will not be able to come up with a version that will be able to eat on a regular basis.

This past week I went to two websites: Gina's Skinny Recipes  and  Hungry Girl  and I took the time to print out every recipe that I thought my family and I may like.  So far I have 45 pages of recipes with several of them having more than one recipe on a sheet.  There will be some I will have to tweak to our taste but I am determined to find some new favorites.  Also I am hoping to make some to be able to freeze and eat later.  As I make these I will let you know how it goes for our family. 

On plan but off the path...

So I went six weeks without fast food. This week I thought it would be harmless to eat an 8 point mcchicken sandwich. Boy, was I ever wrong!! That night I had the munchies and I believe I am still feeling the effects of that tonight. It has been two days but since those two days even my 32 points a day is not filling me up. OK, so I just had my AHA moment, could my body be out of whack from this past weekends get away? On Saturday I had fried chicken at a buffet and then the next day we went to a Chinese buffet. At the buffet I got a huge stir fry with lots of veggies but I did have a taste of the few items I felt I had been craving like some fried rice and general Tso's chicken. These things all lead up to Tuesday when I had McDonald's, so could these things actually be making me feel out of control.

The good thing is that I researched and knew the points before I put anything in my mouth so I never went over my daily points and actually had 1 weekly point left.  At one point I even ate one half of an oatmeal cookie for 2 points.  Personally I really hope I remember the feeling  of how pissed I was that I wasted those 2 points and still felt hungry afterwards. The problem is I believe my body can tell that I have went off track.

This week has not been good for me getting any scheduled movement in.  I have scheduled in my WW's meetings to make sure I get to those and now I have to get on schedule with some exercise.  My goal next week is to go to water aerobics at least twice next week!

A little history...

OK, so here I am starting this totally anonymous blog. You may ask why it is anonymous? Well because I am your classic wimpy fat chick. It seems that all my life I have been battling the skinny chick inside of me. So far I have done a darn good job of shutting her up with chocolate, fast food, sweet tea, Chinese, fried chicken and the list goes on & on. Well once again I am going to say that all changes today. Although I am going to admit I have been down this roads many times before BUT this time it feels different. First I am going to give a little history before I tell you why it is different.

My earliest memory of battling my weight was the second grade. My Grandma would put me on the scale at her house each week. She would "help me" diet while I was at her house by feeding me boiled weenies and peas and I would drink diet Faygo. Yes, I was bigger than my friends but I wasn't obese - yet. Now I look back at pictures of myself at that age and I look like a normal child. My own daughter is going to have to battle the same demons (couldn't think of a better word) but I never want her to feel like I did all those years as I was being put on the scale. The last thing I want for her is a memory that involves trying to get one finger on the bathroom cabinet so that I could just weigh one pound less.

With my Grandma's help I tried several diets even one of those where you go in and they sale you the little packs of shakes or something like that. She paid for me to go to a nutritionist and to go see a Dr that she heard would give me diet pills. She even told me what I should say to him but apparently it was the wrong thing as he suggested the Atkins diet. So I have done Atkins, South Beach, NutriSystem and even went to the Bariatric Clinic this past year where they do give you diet pills. On each one of them I lost weight but I never got to a goal weight or lasted very long on them.

Do want to know what is different this time? I have a friend!! Now I have lots of friends but this one is different. She is just a few years younger than I am, she is single where I am married BUT we weigh almost exactly the same thing. We just recently reconnected and of course one of topics has been weight. There is no one else who knows how much I weigh outside of my Dr's office but her. It feels so good to be able to say those numbers out loud to someone else and not see shock in their eyes.

So a couple of months ago her and her Mom watched this movie called Lying to be Thin which was based on the book The Cinderella Pact. After watching this movie she came up with a pact for us. There could be five of us because we each asked a friend but I believe only the three of us are doing it. It is a pact to change our lives by making ourselves our priority and we are accountable to each other and we support each other because we get those cravings that others do not understand.

We were into our pact a few weeks and mainly concentrating on eating healthier and getting some movement a few times a week when I decided to do Weight Watchers.  I have to admit I have bought into Weight Watchers before but this time is different.  This time I actually living by the rule if you bite, your write it.  Right now I can have 33 points a day which still allows me to splurge some, although I have to admit that I am nervous because I know eventually I will reach a point where I only get like 20 points a day.... My friend and I are both doing weight watchers and going to the meetings together where we have to get on the scale and be accountable!!
So that is how I got to this online diary that others can read. Who knows maybe someone else will read this and it will help them feel better. Regardless I believe I'm gonna enjoy writing my feelings down and I maybe able to convince my partner in crime to do the same.